I was labeled Aspergers over 8 years ago. Along with several other disorders. Now I am 23 years old and my Parents still treat me like a kid at times. They pull that label out on me saying I can't help it and treat me like I'm some pathetic person. At times I think they mean well but they don't see how that hurts me. Within the last year I went off my meds and told my doctor how they were making me sick he understood and offered to change them but I told him I'd rather try and go without and see how well I did. This was a test for myself. I noticed that I was more lively, energetic and also I was more moody. All these things but I also noticed that not once did I have a black out. Break down and hurt others around me like when I was a teen living with my parents. These things I could control I new very well if my parents new I was off my meds they'd flip so I didn't tell them and continued on with my daily life. Now today, after a year of being off my medicine just about, my father brings it up asking if I was gonna go back on my meds. This is what gets me. I've been fine. I struggle just a bit more than I did but, I know that my family was most of the cause for my black outs. They stressed me out make me angry if I am around them to much. Pressuring me to do things I don't want to do. To eat things I don't wish to eat. I have long since moved out. I love them, don't get me wrong but I have my OWN life. Yet they still come in and tell me what I should do. I don't know how to explain to them that I'm fine and happy still.
My father said that they've noticed how I have been. But what the don't seem to ever mention is all the good things I've done while I've been off my meds, they always over look that factor. Like how well I'm doing in school. How I'm making friends and finding cash paying jobs to get what I want in life. How I got my drivers license. Or how I drop everything I have to come and aid them when things go wrong. They say they don't trust me but if only they'd open there eyes and see the woman I'm becoming. The person I wish to be down the road. Instead of dangling that label over my head and saying I can't do it without the pills and that I'm dangerous. These things I want to tell them to say to them. All this weighs on my heart. How I'm willing to still drop everything I've worked for so hard for right here and town and follow them to some state where I don't know anyone. And leave my support system I've built around me. I decided long ago as an adult not to have kids. To be a teacher and to adopt. Yet they say I have the mind set of a 16 year old. How can they be so blind and not see that I'm very much mature when I need to be. But I know still how to be happy and enjoy life. I admit I'm not a perfect person. My disabilities can make things hard for me sometimes. But I have learned that I can do things without the meds that upset my stomach, that make me drowsy and not want to do anything with my life. And in some ways make me depressed that my own parents believe that everything I am all the good in me lies within a little pill that is supposed to change my mood.
I'm sure a lot of people will side with my mom and dad. But look at this from where I stand. I'm 23 years old. My parents gave me to a public administrator so that they can be parents again they say. I'm still a bit bitter about this since in there own way they striped me of a kind of freedom. I am high functioning I'm very talented and I want to do things for myself. But I also desire my mother and fathers approval. For so long I've struggled to make them see. I'm okay I'm not like others that I can do this. But I have learned that this isn't so. If I ever want to be truely happy I fear that I will have to burn some of the bridges with my mother and father for a while so that they can see there opinion does not matter and that I need to be free to make my own decisions now my own mistakes. It is just very hard for me. Because for me Family Is everything. I love them but I dislike them at the same time. They put me down without even realizing it. There a weight that is drowning me and making me slowly loose hope because I want there blessings in everything I do. For now I suppose I will try to tread on with life. But I do not know what I will do later on in this long and painful dance I am having with my parents and trying to make them accept me for me.
Listening to: Country