ArielHowell

Let me ask a question. 
How long do you think it is okay to mourn before it is time to move on?
One week? Two weeks, Three?
See my Grandma just died last Sunday. 
I broke down after receiving the news on the phone. 
I told my friends. I told my other half. I cried for about 30 mins then my other half got off work, 
he came home, Took me out and proceeded to get the next 5 days off to be at my side. 
In this short amount of time so much happened. My cousins called me to lend me there ear and talk about it.
I went to be with my friends a bit cause they wanted to get my mind off what was bothering me. 
It meant a lot. I kept busy. I kept moving forward. Every time I about found a chance to finally be sad,
Something would happen. My father would herrass the family about me starting trouble. 
I apologized and tried to deal with that. 
I got angry put my sorrow on the back burner.
My brother started drama so I had to stop again and deal with that.
Then they both called my landlord to start stuff. Found that out the day of her funeral which I could not be there for.
But before that drama unfolded for my best friend. 
Things weren't going her way and she insisted on help and getting me out.
I didn't want to help I wanted to be alone.
I wanted to cry and mourn.
I took walks every morning and there were always people around. 
So I just walked. I didn't think or reflect. I didn't want to break down in the public eye. 
I would come home and pick up with my day and keep myself distracted. 
Flash forward to the day of my grandma's funeral. 
My best friend wanted me to go out that entire day. 
To spend it at her house she said. While her and my other half worked. 
Said I didn't need to be alone. 
So to sit in her house and relax while they did stuff.
I felt the opposite...
I didn't want to leave my house to be at my friends house.
I wanted to stay home. 
I wanted to cry. 
Cause every time I wanted to I had to stop and support my friend in her hard times.
Now it's Saturday, Almost a week since she left this world.
My husband went back to work today.
I had time to be alone.
My first chance to sit down and reflect and think on what has been happening.
I spent a lot of time crying remembering my grandma.
Looking at pictures.
Talking to my Aunt about how her funeral was.
About the drama that my father caused.
I'm still mourning. 
I am just starting to begin to mourn I feel.
But my friend received bad news again. 
All hands are called to deck she says. 
I need you at my house to come up with a plan.
Bring a notebook, and a pin she goes.
You can write down our ideas. While we ramble them off.
I'm having a garage sale to. 
So see if there is anything you want to sell to make some extra money.
I don't want to go over tonight. 
I want to have more time to myself. 
I made plans to clean this evening when the house was cooler. 
To do the things I didn't do all week cause I was so busy.
To reflect while I worked. 
But in my friends eyes I feel she thinks I should be done mourning.
To be ready to move forward and get over my loss.

I ask again. When is it time to stop mourning? How long is it okay to feel sad and empty cause of your loss?
I'm not ready to move on. And I don't want more stuff to worry about right now when I haven't had been able to do  sept a few times all week. 
Cry...
I have been bottling up my emotions.
I have been acting as if I am okay. 
When in truth. 
I'm broken,
I'm empty,
and I'm so sad.

But I feel pressured to move forward quickly and pretend like nothing has happened. 
Should I move forward and just stop being selfish...
Is it time to just give up my chances since I didn't take the time when I should have originally?...


So how long is it okay to mourn?

I remember the time that I spent with you.
I remember the smile you would bring to my face.
I remember the time that you took to reassure me that I would find my place.

You extended your hand out to guide me,
You extended it out to lift me up,
You extended it out and just left it there so I knew you would always help.

You know that time when you said that the one I love doesn't work as hard as you not to compare you to him?

Do you know how angry that made me feel?

No?

Well, here is what I wanted to say to you. Here is how I truly felt.

The one I love might not have one job like you do.

He might not bring in nearly 20 dollars an hour like you do.

But the one I love bought me a nice car something you said you would help me do.

The one I love works 2 jobs working nearly 50 hours a week at times just like you do.

The one I love bought me clothes and takes care of me. Something you use to do.

So you know how you act like he isn't as good as you.

Your right! Because he isn't he is better!

The one I love chose me. And promised he wouldn't abandon me or pick someone else over me like you did.

The one I love is taking care of me and looking out for me.

He holds me and tells me he loves me.

Not like what you do.

He boosts me up and encourages me.

Not cuts me down and says I can't do it.

You know how you claim to always know whats best and that he will never be able to take care of me like you do.

Well your right he won't ever be able to take care of me like you do cause he does a better job at it.

He looks into my eyes and embrace me and cries with me.

You won't even hug me willingly.

The one I love doesn't make excuses about me.

He doesn't apologizes for me.

Not like how you say things I do can't be helped cause of disabilities

The one I love is meant just for me. He is greater, kinder, selfless, loving, and most important a better person than you.

Unlike you he promised to take care of me and you aren't even worthy of being compared to him. 

So you know when you said don't compare me to the one you love. Don't worry I don't, because you can't even begin to compare. Ever.

RPG main Idea- Queen and her daughter are trying to rebuild there kingdom from ground up after Vikings destoyed there kingdom

Plot- an Elven Queen and daughters kingdom is destroyed and they set to work on rebuilding there home while facing many challenges along the way together.

Charecters

Name- Princess Ariebella
Bio- A sweet elven girl that is gentle and kind towards the people and always looking for ways to help others she is the princess to queen Hope
Abilities- Persuasion allowing Ariebella to calm or sooth anyone who might be over run by there emotions so that she may instantly calm them so that way they can once more think straight
Age- 16
Race- Elven
Name- Queen Hope
Bio- I gentle yet strong elven queen she raises her daughter Ariebella and tries to rebuild there kingdom while keeping there people safe
Abilities-  Hope can control the earth helping plants grow and controlling them to help put up defenses around there homelands as well as having the power over the air summoning up winds and becoming one with it so she can travel around without being noticed giving her the freedom to sleep behind there enemies to protect the kingdom as well.
Age- 31
Race- Elven

(( Other Characters to be added work in progress for a role playing room on IMVU ))

I was labeled Aspergers over 8 years ago. Along with several other disorders. Now I am 23 years old and my Parents still treat me like a kid at times. They pull that label out on me saying I can't help it and treat me like I'm some pathetic person. At times I think they mean well but they don't see how that hurts me. Within the last year I went off my meds and told my doctor how they were making me sick he understood and offered to change them but I told him I'd rather try and go without and see how well I did. This was a test for myself. I noticed that I was more lively, energetic and also I was more moody. All these things but I also noticed that not once did I have a black out. Break down and hurt others around me like when I was a teen living with my parents. These things I could control I new very well if my parents new I was off my meds they'd flip so I didn't tell them and continued on with my daily life. Now today, after a year of being off my medicine just about, my father brings it up asking if I was gonna go back on my meds. This is what gets me. I've been fine. I struggle just a bit more than I did but, I know that my family was most of the cause for my black outs. They stressed me out  make me angry if I am around them to much. Pressuring me to do things I don't want to do. To eat things I don't wish to eat. I have long since moved out. I love them, don't get me wrong but I have my OWN life. Yet they still come in and tell me what I should do. I don't know how to explain to them that I'm fine and happy still.
 My father said that they've noticed how I have been. But what the don't seem to ever mention is all the good things I've done while I've been off my meds, they always over look that factor. Like how well I'm doing in school. How I'm making friends and finding cash paying jobs to get what I want in life. How I got my drivers license. Or how I drop everything I have to come and aid them when things go wrong. They say they don't trust me but if only they'd open there eyes and see the woman I'm becoming. The person I wish to be down the road. Instead of dangling that label over my head and saying I can't do it without the pills and that I'm dangerous. These things I want to tell them to say to them. All this weighs on my heart. How I'm willing to still drop everything I've worked for so hard for right here and town and follow them to some state where I don't know anyone. And leave my support system I've built around me. I decided long ago as an adult not to have kids. To be a teacher and to adopt. Yet they say I have the mind set of a 16 year old. How can they be so blind and not see that I'm very much mature when I need to be. But I know still how to be happy and enjoy life. I admit I'm not a perfect person. My disabilities can make things hard for me sometimes. But I have learned that I can do things without the meds that upset my stomach, that make me drowsy and not want to do anything with my life. And in some ways make me depressed that my own parents believe that everything I am all the good in me lies within a little pill that is supposed to change my mood.
 I'm sure a lot of people will side with my mom and dad. But look at this from where I stand. I'm 23 years old. My parents gave me to a public administrator so that they can be parents again they say. I'm still a bit bitter about this since in there own way they striped me of a kind of freedom. I am high functioning I'm very talented and I want to do things for myself. But I also desire my mother and fathers approval. For so long I've struggled to make them see. I'm okay I'm not like others that I can do this. But I have learned that this isn't so. If I ever want to be truely happy I fear that I will have to burn some of the bridges with my mother and father for a while so that they can see there opinion does not matter and that I need to be free to make my own decisions now my own mistakes. It is just very hard for me. Because for me Family Is everything. I love them but I dislike them at the same time. They put me down without even realizing it. There a weight that is drowning me and making me slowly loose hope because I want there blessings in everything I do. For now I suppose I will try to tread on with life. But I do not know what I will do later on in this long and painful dance I am having with my parents and trying to make them accept me for me.